NFL Week 13 Color Rush: Blair Walsh causes alcoholism

I’m sick and tired of hearing people complain about Thursday Night Football. ‘the games aren’t competitive’ ‘the matchups are terrible’ ‘I can’t watch Thursday night because Grey’s Anatomy is on’ If you have ever said any of the previous phrases I invite you to move to Russia, no Thursday night football in Russia. Now this week there are no college Thursday games which is incredibly sad that college football is almost over but good news is we have a great matchup of 10-1 Dallas vs. 6-5 Minnesota

Here’s how this is going to work, I am going to give my reasoning first then make a pick at the end for who is going to COVER.

My man Bartsauce and I took a trip to Minnesota two years ago to watch a Vikings game and I noticed a few things about that state.

1. Minneapolis is easily the most annoying place to watch an NFL game as an opposing fan. For those of you that don’t know the Vikings have a fight song, sort of the same way that mediocre high school teams have a fight song. The Vikings play their fight song for everything; first downs, field goals, touchdowns, and in case none of those things happen for them (when your QB is Sam Bradford sometimes you go games without seeing FD, FGs or TDs) they play the song every timeout, quarter or halftime. The song is bottom line a top 5 worst song of all time, right up there with call me maybe, what does the fox say, or anything by Miley Cyrus. I would be surprised if the song was invented by governments to torture prisoners but was determined to be cruel and unusual punishment. I swear I still have nightmares where I’m trapped in a small room with no windows and no doors and nothing but the Vikings fight song playing on a loop, now that is a living hell. On top of being the only team in the world of professional sports with a fight song they also sound a loud Viking horn every time something happens in the game to make sure no one forgets what their mascot is. (note: Vikings wearing horns is not historically accurate and any first year history student could tell you that but no one seemed to tell the good people of Minnesota.)
2. People in Minnesota like to drink, a lot. Now American traditions are part of what makes this country great and the people of Minnesota love great American traditions; such as voting, standing for the national anthem, or the right to beat your child with a switch. But one of my favorite traditions is having a few adult beverages and watching a football game and the people of Minnesota take this to a whole other level. The good people of Minnesota prepare for a football game the way civil war soldiers would prepare to have have a limb amputated; drink until you can’t feel anything. Bart and I realized the drinking did not stop from Saturday night to the afternoon kickoff at 3:00 Sunday. We went to a bar near the stadium around 11 AM Sunday to eat before the game and the place was standing room only and had a line to get in. During the game was even more impressive when we watched people slamming Miller High Life tall boys for $9 a piece like it was water. Nothing special about seeing people drink at a sporting event but the level at which Minnesota does it is truly impressive.

These two observations led me to one conclusion: Blair Walsh causes alcoholism.

Losing a home playoff  game because your kicker misses a 30 yard field goal may be the single most depressing tragedy anyone can go through. After 2 years I’ve finally realized why Vikings fans feel the need to get so drunk that singing the world’s most annoying song 600 times during a game sounds fun, their kickers made them do it. First it was Gary Anderson in the ’98 NFC championship game and more recently it was Blair Walsh. This lack of clutch kicking has turned the beautiful state of Minnesota into the most alcoholic state in the union (maybe, i didn’t fact check that). At last all is well with the Vikings because 2 weeks ago they cut Blair Walsh and are now prepared to not blow another playoff game (because they won’t make the playoffs).

My Thursday Night Color Rush Pick: Vikings +3.5 over Cowboys

Cutting your POS kicker doesn’t only help your fan base cut down on alcoholism but it also helps you cover spreads when you’re getting a field goal and a hook at home. Gambling on Sam Bradford is like eating dog food, there is no real benefit to doing it and no human should ever do it, but somehow ol’ Sammy Sleeves is 4-1 at home ATS as a Viking. However this pick has nothing to do with the Vikings, this is about TNF and the Dallas Cowboys. Home teams on Thursday night have gone 8-3 this season ATS. As for the Cowboys they are an astonishing 9-1-1 ATS this season and 10-1 straight up. If this were college I would be all over Dallas for the rest of the season but in Pro football no team ever ends the season with only 1 loss against the spread. Teams are too good, competition studies film and catches onto schemes, and sportsbooks always end up getting ATS records as close to .500 as possible. The Vikings will keep this game close and maybe their fans won’t need to drink their way through the rest of the season. (their QB is Sam Bradford, so yeah they probably will)