Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 16th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday (Christmas) Saturday/Sunday
Christmas is here and I am fully enveloped in my favorite holiday activity. Spending time with my loved ones, volunteering my time and money to the less fortunate, and getting gifts for those I care about. Spending hours upon hours in front of the tv watching football and when there isn’t football, Christmas movies. Because more people like me are attempting to avoid their families with either football, movies, or both I decided to combine the two. So because we are nearing the end of the NFL season (sad) and the playoff picture is becoming more clear, I am going to rate the super bowl contenders as if they were Christmas movies, and then give my picks for week 16.
NFC Contenders
Dallas Cowboys = It’s a Wonderful Life.
The Cowboys are having a dream season. Just when everything seemed lost in the Preseason a guardian angel named Dak showed up and carried the team through a dream showing them how great everything can be when you’re the number one seed in the NFC with home field advantage. But eventually George/Tony Romo is going to wake up and realize they were happy with the life they already had, and count their blessings. After Dallas chokes away a playoff game at home, Cowboys fans will go one of two ways; some will go back to talking about how good the 90’s were and some will go back to being Seahawks fans.
Seattle Seahawks = Home Alone
Seahawks are sitting at 9-4-1 and the second seed in the NFC. At first glace it seems like its been an up and down year for the hawks but anyone who has paid attention to them knows they have been almost unbeatable at home. Seattle is on the verge of going undefeated at home in year 2016, and at this point they are basically Kevin McCallister setting traps throughout their home for any idiot willing to invade their territory. Will their season end with them defending their home/winning the title like Kevin McCallister? Or will they end up out of work and addicted to pills like Macaulay Culkin? (side note: RIP John Candy)
Detroit Lions = Christmas Vacation
Detroit is 9-5, leading the NFC North, and having a great turnaround season after going 7-9 last season. Their defense has been solid and their QB Mathew Stafford has had an MVP type season. Stafford has been so great when it comes to holding his team together much like family man Clark Griswold attempted to bring his family together for Christmas. However much like Clark as it gets closer to Christmas, Matt Stafford is slowly going to lose his mind until eventually he will snap, start screaming at his team for someone to kidnap Calvin Johnson and bring him back.
New York Giants = The Grinch
The Giants have quietly had a great record of 10-5, and been the only team to beat the Cowboys this season and they’ve done it twice. The Giants paid big money for free agents on defense this summer and its paid off with the defense coming together over the last two months leading up to Christmas much like the town of Whoville. Only one person could ruin the happiness of the town of Whoville/Giants defense and that’s the Grinch/Eli Manning. Eli’s ability to throw stupid interceptions is 3 times more likely than any other QB in the NFL* (not an actual stat, it just feels that way when he’s on your fantasy team). Much like the Grinch who’s heart was 3 times too small. The Giants QB has been up and down all season, throwing a number of TD’s and INTs. Will Eli/The Grinch deliver his town their presents and make a playoff run, or throw a few more pick sixs to ruin the season?
AFC Contenders
New England Patriots = Bad Santa
The Pats have locked up the AFC East before Christmas and in other news the sky is blue, water is wet, and fire is hot. Even after known Ugg wearer Tom Brady was forced to sit out the first 4 games of the season the Pats are still 12-2 entering week 16. But this is the time of year we all need to start being skeptical of Bill, Tom, and the Pats. Much like Billy Bob Thorton and that midget in Bad Santa it just seems like Belicheat and Brady are waiting for the shop owners to leave so they can rob the place. (side note: RIP Bernie Mac) Also Tom Brady left his girlfriend while she was pregnant and people don’t forget.
Oakland Raiders = Elf
The Raiders have come out of no where with an 11-3 record this year lead by a young cast of under 25 guys. The Raiders seem young and naive like they don’t even know how to act after wrapping up their playoff spot before Christmas having not made the playoffs since 2002. They may get so excited that they end up looking awkward and retarded like Buddy the Elf in common social situations/playoffs.
Kansas City Chiefs = Miracle on 34th Street
The Chiefs are 10-4 and on the verge of locking up a playoff spot with many people saying Kansas City is the biggest threat to the Patriots in the AFC. The reason for this is the Chiefs have impressive wins over Denver, Carolina, Atlanta, and Oakland twice. How have the Chiefs looked so good this far? I have no idea it is a pre Christmas Miracle. The Chiefs are living a lie. Buckle up KC fans, Santa isn’t real, movies are fake, and Andy Reid is never winning a superbowl.
Pittsburgh Steelers = A Christmas Story
Two months ago the Steelers were on a 4 game losing streak, Now they are on a 5 game winning streak. I don’t understand this team at all or how they can look so good or so bad any given sunday. So why are they like a Christmas Story? Two years ago star RB Le’veon Bell got caught smoking weed with teammate Legarrette Blount and then blamed it on Blount. this leads me to believe Le’veon Bell would be the type of person to stick his tongue on a flag pole after a triple dog dare. Also just like this timeless movie the Steelers are always relevant this time a year and by 6 PM on Christmas day you’ll be tired of watching them.
Cleveland Browns = Home Alone 3
This is absolutely disgusting and unwatchable. Anyone who spends a second of their time watching this trash should be drug tested. I don’t understand how anyone allowed this to happen or why anyone allows this still to go on. Also Home Alone 3 is a pretty bad movie too.
NFL WEEK 16 PICKS
All Lines Used from Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest
Bucs +3.5 over Saints
Ravens +6 over Steelers
Broncos +4 over Chiefs
Lions +7.5 over Cowboys
Bucs +3.5 over Saints
I have lost track how many weeks I have bet on Tampa Bay, probably because I’m too busy counting the money I have won picking them. The Bucs keep covering and I am gonna keep picking them until they don’t. I have no idea why the Bucs are getting 3.5 when it feels like this game should be a pickem. Vegas still has faith in the Saints in New Orleans, but I don’t, I expect the Bucs to win this one straight up.
Ravens +6 over Steelers.
Tough to tell which Steelers team is gonna show up Sunday the one that was down 20-6 against the Bengals or the one that came back to beat the Bengals 24-20. All I know is the Ravens maybe haven’t been the better team but they have definitely been more consistent, also they are one of the only teams to hold Le’veon Bell in check this season. I like the Ravens to keep it close in a divisional rival Christmas game.
Broncos +4 over Chiefs
Quick lets all take the money our grandparents give us for Christmas and bet it on the team that’s scored only 1 TD in the last 10 quarters of play. The Broncos Offense has been terrible most of the season especially the offensive line. But the last time they played the Chiefs it went down to the wire and their offense by some miracle scored 27 points. Also for as great as the Chiefs have been this year they are only 2-5 ATS as a home favorite. Broncos are playing for their playoff lives and need to find a way to win one one the road on Christmas night.
Lions +7.5 over Cowboys
Another trend I’ve been following since Thanksgiving is betting against Dallas after they started 9-0-1 ATS. Since that start the Cowboys are on a 4 game losing streak against the spread. Vegas has been setting the lines way to high for the Cowboys and I’m taking advantage. The Lions getting the TD and the hook is huge since every Lions loss this season has been by a TD or less accept for one. Dallas has their seed wrapped up and the Lions need a win to keep pace with the Packers in the NFC North. I like the Lions to keep it close or even win straight up.
Enjoy the football and have a Merry Christmas.
Double COVERage 