Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 20th straight week, Welcome to the NFL Championship Weekend.
Only 3 games left before football leaves us for 7 months and the post football season depression is creeping right around the corner. The cure to keep it away? Obsessively prepare for the NFC/AFC championship games the way all you can eat buffet chefs prepare when they hear Andy Reid is coming for dinner. Only 4 teams are left and will be playing this Sunday for a chance to reach the promised land and play on Super Bowl Sunday.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before; A man married to a supermodel, a man dating a movie star, a dog fighter, and a rapist walk into a bar… The Falcons, Packers, Patriots, and Steelers have all had great seasons and they all have something in common, they each have one of the best QBs in the league. Seriously the QBs left in the playoffs have some incredible numbers. Combined between them they have 27 Pro Bowls, 4 (soon be by 5 assuming Ryan, Rodgers, or Brady win this season) MVPs, 5 first team all pro selections, 10 (soon to be 12) conference championships, and 7 (soon to be 8) super bowls wins. I could go on and on about how great Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, and Ben Roethlisberger are but I think it would be more fun to nitpick and scrutinize them. In honer of the United States getting a new president this Friday I am going to critique each of the remaining QBs the same way we critique our political candidates; give a one sided view of them that doesn’t always have to be based in truth and unfairly judge them for their mistakes.
Tom Brady
First up in the AFC we have former 199th overall pick and known Ugg boot wearer Tom Brady. If Tom were to run for president he would have a hard time getting a vote anywhere besides New England because most people outside of Patriots fans don’t like him. The perception of Brady is he’s a cheater, liar, will do anything to win, and has a super hot foreign wife. Along with most of the country not liking him it seems Brady has quite a bit in common with his good buddy and our new president Donald Trump! Maybe he should consider running for President in 2020. If Tom Brady did run for president obviously he would be criticized for Spygate and deflategate, and rightfully so but that’s not the reason most people should hate him. What people should be questioning is why Tom Brady left his girlfriend when she was pregnant. For those of you that don’t know before Tom was married to a supermodel he dated actress Bridget Moynahan aka the hot chick from I-robot. They dated for 3 years and right after announcing they had split up Bridget announced she was pregnant with Tom’s child and then Tom announced he was dating a Brazilian super model. So you have to ask yourself, could you vote for a president who leaves his pregnant girlfriend for a supermodel? I don’t know about president but I sure couldn’t vote for him for NFL MVP.
Ben Roethlisberger
Playing opposite Brady Sunday will be the QB for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger. Out of all the QBs left in the playoffs Big Ben might have the toughest time getting elected into public office. The good: he plays for a historically great franchise, and he has won 2 super bowls for that franchise. Unfortunately for him, Big Ben is also known for a few other things, one not being good at operating motorcycles, and two, some sketchy situations involving him and women accusing him of sexual assault. Twice Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexual assalut by two different women in two different places and neither of them were in Pittsburgh. I don’t know what Big Ben has against female Steelers fans but apparently he felt the need to go to Nevada and Georgia to inappropriately come onto women. Both of these incidents were years ago and Ben has since gotten married and cleaned up his act, but since getting married Big Ben has not won a super bowl. I do not know why Ben’s wife hates winning championships but clearly Ben is a man who needs to stubble into the women’s bathroom and feel up a couple tipsy 20 year olds in order to be successful on a football field. Is that acceptable in the NFL? You’re absolutely right boom. Is that acceptable to be president? Well 9 months ago I would have said no but Trump won so who knows.
Aaron Rodgers
If you’ve turned on even a second of sports media this week then you know Aaron Rodgers is on fire, playing better than any QB in the history of football, and we should all take our first born children and sacrifice them at his feet. I mean this guy really can do it all; he has a movie star girlfriend, a super bowl ring, and an entire state of cheese eating morons ready to fight anyone who dares to speak ill of him. He raises money for starving kids in the Congo, he has funny commercials where he makes fun of himself and his touchdown dance. Who in their right mind could dislike this guy? His own parents that’s who. I don’t feel good about bringing up a public figures family affairs but if he is running for president I feel the people deserve to know! So lets start at the beginning, a year ago Aaron’s brother went on a reality show called the Bachelor (apparently its quite popular). During this weird show where cameras follow you and record everything you say, it was discovered Aaron and his brother are not on speaking terms. Months later we found out no one in Aaron’s family has spoken to him in almost 2 years including his own parents. The family feud is so serious Aaron even mailed back Christmas presents his parents sent him. Apparently the situation started when Aaron starting dating movie star Olivia Munn. Coincidentally much like Big Ben, Aaron Rodgers has not won a super bowl either since he starting dating Munn. I have no idea what Olivia Munn has against the fat good people of Wisconsin, or why she does not want them to win a super bowl, but I do know this. Any person who is unwilling to speak to his own mother is unfit to lead our country. Eminem made a song about wanting to rape and kill his mother and they even found a way to make amends. Aaron Rodgers = not trusted by his parents, not trusted by this country.
Matt Ryan
This one is gonna be easy no way this disgrace of human being could ever run for office and get elected. First he was caught with an illegal firearm, then there was the water bottle filled with marijuana on the airplane incident, and to top it off getting caught operating a dog fighting ring where he tortured and killed innocent animals!! Not to mention all of the times his brother or cousins got him in trouble, how could anyone support this guy?! Oh wait that’s not the right QB, that was the old Falcons QB who’s name I can’t quite recall. The previous Falcons QB would have been perfect for this, but its harder to find some dirt on this new guy Matt Ryan. About the only thing you can fault him on is how boring he is. First off boring name, any white male with 2 first names has to be a boring guy. Second boring family, he isn’t married to a celebrity like Rodgers or Brady, and he doesn’t have a history of assaulting women like Roethlisberger. He is actually married to his college sweetheart, BORING!! Next lets talk about Matt Ryan’s fashion choices, Matt Ryan dresses as if he goes to the opposite stylist as Cam Newton. He dresses like his second job is substitute teaching for a high school English class.
LAME!! There has to be something this guy does that is not so cookie cutter! Earlier this season Matt Ryan gave an interview on the Rich Eisen show and when asked what he does with his free time, Matt said he and his wife binge watch Shameless. So there’s Matt Ryan’s idea of a good time, watching a tv show about fictional people’s horrible lives. Maybe Matt Ryan is just the most boring guy of all time, or maybe there is a reason he looks like a regional manager of an Applebees. Years later will we find out Matt Ryan was a serial killer this whole time? Or is his only vice in life Netflix? Either way I’ve been told never trust a man that doesn’t have a vice so there’s no way I’m voting for Matt Ryan for president either.
NFL Conference Championship Picks
All lines used from Las Vegas Westgate Superbook
Falcons -5.5 over Packers (Bart’s Best Bet)
Patriots -6 over Steelers
Falcons -5.5 over Packers
Hey guys, It’s BartSauce. Since DaveCh999 is a huge Falcons fan (Oh, you guys didn’t know that?), he put me in charge of picking this game because he couldn’t make a non bias pick. Well, he might as well have made the pick, because I think I’m going the same way on this game that he would have, and that’s Falcons all the way, baby.
Everyone has been all over Aaron Rodgers and the Packers ever since he made that amazing throw against the Cowboys to set up for that crazy Mason Crosby field goal to win the divisional round. Heck, I was even drooling over Rodgers until about Wednesday! Then I finally came back to earth and started thinking like the rational human being that I am (that’s debatable).
I know Aaron Rodgers is on a tear the past eight games and it seems like he is on top of the world, but do you know who’s been on a tear for 17 games straight? Ever heard of this guy? His name is Matt Ryan, and he led the NFL’s best offense this year and definitely deserves to be the NFL MVP this year. The Falcons offense completely torched Seattle’s “Legion of Boom (or bust)” defense last week and is going against a far worse and far more injured Green Bay defense this week. I don’t see Matt Ryan being phased at all, and look for him and that powerful Falcons offense to have a great day.
Here’s one more reason to pick the Falcons: It’s the last game in the Georgia Dome (RIP In Peace). You think the Falcons would walk out of that stadium for the last time without the NFC Championship Trophy? No way, no how. Fly Falcons, Fly!
Aaron Rodgers has been absolutely incredible, but it’s not going to matter on Sunday. The Falcons will make a few more defensive stops than the Packers and that will be the deciding factor. I like the Falcons to win this one with a score somewhere around 38-28. So yeah, you should definitely take the over 61 in this one too, you’d be crazy not to!
Patriots -6 over Steelers
Picking the team that has a QB and coach how has played in 6 super bowls and won 4 is actually easier than it sounds. The Patriots are 14-3 ATS this season which is incredible considering they have been a favorite in every game. The Patriots just don’t cover they also consistently cover double digit spreads, so 6 points should be easy! The Patirots and Steelers played once this season and the Pats won 27-16, but Ben Roethlisberger didn’t play. So what can we learn from that game, known pot head Le’veon Bell was held to 81 yards rushing which is his 4th lowest number of the season. The Pats being able to hold Le’veon Bell under 100 rushing yards could be huge because the Steelers are 1-4 when Bell rushes under 100 yards. Patriots coach Bill Belichick is many things, 6 time super bowl champion, friend of President Donald Trump, and known spyier of other teams practices and deflater of footballs; but of all those things coach Belichick is known for he is also known for taking away whatever the other teams best weapon is. I believe the evil genius will find a way to limit the killer bees of Ben Bell and Brown and the Patriots will go to their 6th Super Bowl with Tom Brady.
NE/PITT prop bets
As if these games needed to be more exciting casinos always roll out a number of other things in the game to bet on besides just the spread. A few of these are always easier to hit than others the problem is picking the easy ones, so here we go.
Will Tom Brady throw an INT? NO -150
Brady played in 12 regular season games and only threw 2 INTs compared to 28 TDs. Last week in the first playoff game Brady threw 2 INTs in 1 game. I think Brady got his bad game out of the way and will get back to not turning the ball over this game.
Will both teams make 33+ yard FGs? YES -110
Last week the Steelers did something no other team had done in the playoffs, they won a game on the road scoring no TDs. They did however kick 6 FGs. The Patriots also have a great kicker Stephen Gostkowski. Cold weather, good kickers, tight playoff games, I like both teams to get a longer one.
Steelers under 22.5 points -110
Unlike the NFC championship game the AFC championship game is going to be a tighter game between two good defenses. I’ve already decided the Pats are going to be able to slow down the Steelers weapons and that is because the Pats defense is one of the best in the league allowing only 16 ppg.
Only 3 games left, enjoy them while you can, see you next week.
Double COVERage 