davech999

NFL Week 15 Color Rush: Jeff Fisher vs. 7-9 Poopfest

What happens when you take two teams who lost by a combined 56 points on sunday and force them to play a game 3 days later wearing bright jerseys? Color Rush poopfest thats what. I stopped doing math after my junior year of high school but I’m pretty sure both the 8-4-1 Seahawks and the 4-9 Rams lost by 28 points sunday and now have to turn around and face each other Thursday night in Seattle. I’ve said before that I love having NFL football during the week but apparently Dick Sherman doesn’t agree with me. That’s fine that Dick Sherman and I disagree on this, but I think we can both agree this was terrible coverage, (people don’t forget)

Jeff Fisher’s not F’n going 7-9, mostly because he won’t have a chance to win out the Rams remaining 3 games since the Rams fired Jeff Fisher Monday morning. While the rest of you were watching Seattle get destroyed by Green Bay sunday, (or whatever other weird activities people who don’t watch football do on sundays) MY Atlanta Falcons were taking Jeff Fisher and the Rams behind the woodshed. The Rams fumbled the opening kickoff leading to a Falcons TD 10 seconds into the game and it never got better. With 5 minutes left in the third quarter it was 42-0 and a number of Falcons starters were taken out of the game. This embarrassment of making the Falcons look like they had a good defense led to the most hated man in Missouri since Jesse James, Stan Kronke to fire his coach Jeff Fisher Monday, but you already knew that. Here’s something else you already know, Jeff Fisher was bad at his job.

Sunday tied Jeff Fisher with Dan Reeves as the coach with the most loses in NFL history. The last time he led a team to the Playoffs was before the United States had ever elected a Black President. In 22 years as a head coach Jeff Fisher’s most famous moment as a coach is winning a game he shouldn’t have won, and losing a game by a yard. Somehow with all these short comings I’m gonna miss mr. 7-9 in the NFL. Jeff Fisher has been so c0nsistantly mediocre for so long that his first game as a head coach was before Jared Goff was even born. The biggest irony of Jeff Fisher saying he didn’t want any 7 and 9 Bull S— this season, was that if his team had a little more 7 and 9 Bull S— maybe he would still have a job.

My Thursday Night NFL Color Rush Pick: Rams +16

Go ahead and lock me in the nut house right now and throw away the key. Nothing about taking the Rams makes sense, and if you actually take my advice and bet money on this game you may have a problem. The numbers all say to take Seattle, why ever bet against Seattle at home? They have been dominate at home especially late in the season. So why the hell would I pick the Rams to cover? Teams just don’t get blown out in the NFL repeatedly, these guys are still pros, even the guys on the Browns are technically professionals. The league thrives off the phrase ‘any given Sunday’ anything can happen and the same applies for Thursdays. 16 is just too many points and I really do expect this game to be a poopfest, but if LA can not turn the ball over and play solid defense I think they can do their job and only lose by 2 TD’s instead of 3. The Rams will rally around their fallen coach and fulfill his dream of 7-9 and 4th place in the NFC West. They owe that to captain 7-9 Jeff Fisher. RIP.

Last week: 3-2

Season: 7-2

NFL YouTube video of the week for Week 14:

2 winners:

Aqib Talib

Pacman Jones

NFL Sunday Week 14: Cam Newton vs Neckwear

Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 14th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday.

Emergency press conference breaking news: Cam Newton likes fashion. In case you were in a coma for the entire 2015 season let me recap, Cam Newton led the Panthers to a 15-1 record, won the MVP, then got crushed by the Broncos in the Super Bowl and hasn’t been the same since. Also in case you were in a coma for the last 15 months Cam Newton really cares about what he wears. I’d go as far as to call him a fashion icon. Cam Newton is basically the (insert famous fashion designer name here) of the NFL. Cam Newton’s outfit choices have ranged from Pink jacket green hat with feather,

To guy trying to look like Mr. Peanut for Halloween.

After years of being in the news for what he wears, Cam Newton made headlines last week for what he didn’t wear. Last week the Carolina Panthers traveled to Seattle to play the Seahawks on Sunday Night and what happened on the first play of the game no one could have predicted. The Panthers offense came out with backup Derek Anderson at QB and incumbent MVP Cam Newton on the bench. Anderson preceded to throw an INT on the first play and the sports world scratched its collective head in confusion. The Panthers went on to get destroyed by the Seahawks 40-7, but why was the MVP on the sideline for the first play of a very important game? Turns out Mr. Steve Harvey Jr. Cam Newton forgot to wear a tie as apart of the team travel rules and was punished by sitting out the first drive. And the NFL world discovered the only things that can stop Cam Newton are Von Miller Vic Beasley and Neckwear.

I may be the least qualified person ever to write about fashion. Basically my closet consists of 50% Atlanta Falcons t-shirts and 50% free t-shirts from 2003-2011 basketball camps. When I was growing up their were two types of player fashion statements, Tim Duncan and Allen Iverson. Guys who dressed like Tim Duncan were going for the “45 year old white guy at a backyard BBQ look.” Tim Duncan could swap clothes with any random dude in the stands and nothing would look out of place.

On the other side of the spectrum you had Allen Iverson. A player going with the Iverson look would make a fashion statement by trying to dress like Nelly in the Tip Drill video. (Side Note to my Grandma: Hi Grandma, if you happen to read this DO NOT click on the video link please.) Wearing baggy jerseys, do-rags, and at least 5 gold chains. Then the NBA had to turn into the no fun league and implement a dress code. Ever since the dress code in the NBA I feel like I don’t understand professional athlete fashion any more. I thought it was cool to dress like you were going to shoot a music video instead of play football or basketball but what at all is cool about dressing like this?!?!

I’m too young to be this out of touch with what is cool and popular and just like anything I don’t understand and that seems foreign I am going to criticize and belittle it. Cam Newton is at a crossroads and needs to pick a lane. My advice to him is to stop trying to keep up with the Westbrook’s and go with either the Duncan or the Iverson. Either show up to post game press conference looking like your accountant on his day off or show up looking like you’re about to shoot a music video in 2004. Can’t go wrong with either cause both looks are based on Hall of Fame players who would never do something stupid like forget a tie, or steal laptops. (OH YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA WRITE A WHOLE BLOG ABOUT CAM NEWTON AND NOT MENTION LAPTOPS OF COURSE NOT HAHAHAHA PEOPLE DONT FORGET.)

NFL WEEK 14 PICKS

All lines used from Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest

Bucs -2 over Saints

Broncos +2 over Titans

Panthers PK over Chargers

Bucs -2 over Saints

I took Tampa Bay last week and I’ve been on them ever since they beat the Chiefs in Kansas City. Some people have been quick to crown the Chiefs the best team in the AFC and only a few weeks ago they lost to Tampa Bay at home. Tampa has put together a 4 game winning streak and have been 4-0 ATS in those games. The only person who could have predicted the Bucs would get this hot after starting so slow is my little brother who is a huge Bucs fan. So thanks to him I’ve payed attention to Tampa this year and they are on fire right now. More importantly their defense has held teams to 13 PPG in their 4 game winning streak. I expect the Bucs D to hold Drew Brees and the Saints offense in check but not actually injury anyone on the Saints because intentionally injuring other players is wrong.

Broncos +2 over the Titans

The Titans have quietly been really solid this year with Marcus Mariota coming into his own as a pro and the renaissance of Demarco Murray. (coincidentally the renaissance of Demarco Murray happened right after he escaped from an obese racist college coach.) This matchup should favor the Titans who have been great at stopping the run and running the ball sort of like a poor man’s Dallas. Also Titans are coming off a buy and playing at home, so why would anyone take the opponent. Because the Broncos are the defending super bowl champs and they are somehow underdogs in this game!!! I will take the Denver Defense getting points any time. I don’t care if Lynch, Siemian, or intoxicated 56 year old John Elway playing QB I am taking the Broncos Defense to beat the Titans.

Panthers PK over Chargers

I know I know I just spent 700 words above this bashing Cam Newton and the Panthers. The Panthers have been horrible this season straight up and against the spread, 4-8 on the season and 3-9 ATS. They just got destroyed on the national game of the week in Seattle 40-7 and they were officially eliminated for the playoffs. Why would anyone want to take the Panthers in this game?! Ron Rivera thats why. I did some research and in turns out Ron Rivera was a member of the 1985 Chicago Bears, and if listening to endless hours of sports talk radio has taught me anything its that the ’85 Bears were the greatest thing to ever happen to mankind. If Ron Rivera’s toughness and pride has rubbed off on his team even the smallest amount they will find a way to win this game at home against an inferior opponent. Football is all about pride and testicular fortitude and we’re about to find out if the Panthers have either, I believe they do.

Teaser of the Week:

Lions PK over Bears

Falcons +1 over Rams

Ravens +14 over Patriots

Some of you might not know this but I am a massive Atlanta Falcons fan. I do not bet on the Falcons because it makes me nervous but I feel comfortable putting them in a tease cause the thought of the Falcons losing to Jeff Fisher might put me in a coma. Even without Julio Jones and Jake Mathews I expect the Falcons to win in LA. Detroit may not be a super bowl contender but they are a good football team. The Bears may have helmets and jerseys but it remains to be seen if they are actually even a real team, give me Detroit to win at home. As for MNF, I love the Ravens and apparently so does Vegas cause this game opened at Patriots -10 and has moved all the way down to -7, I will gladly take the Ravens +14 on the Teaser and expect this game to be a lot closer than people think.

Last Week: 4-0

This Week: 0-1 (thanks a lot Derek Carr)

NFL Week 14 Color Rush: Andy Reid’s Wife is too hot for him

I’ll admit I have a football addiction, I watch any terrible matchup the NFL rolls out on a week night just because I’m excited about a game during the week. I don’t proudly admit this but I watched 3 quarters of a Titans-Jaguars matchup one time on a Thursday night. Its not that I have a gambling problem, its just a football problem. The NFL is finally starting to thank fans everywhere for sitting through terrible Thursday matchups and rewarding us with a second straight great Thursday matchup, The 10-2 Las Vegas Oakland Raiders vs the 9-3 Kansas City Chiefs.

I hate the TV show King of Queens and have hated it ever since it came out. I don’t hate it cause its a pointless show that isn’t funny, I hate it cause I could never get over the fact that as a viewer I’m supposed to believe that Paul Blart is married to that hot chick.

I mean C’MON MAN how stupid is the American television viewer that they kept this show on the air for almost 10 years?! If at any point I tried to watch an episode of that show I wouldn’t be able to focus on what was going on cause I couldn’t get over the fact that he was married to her. That is sort of the same way I felt when I saw Andy Reid’s wife for the first time.

Now Tammy Reid is no Mrs. Bret Bielema (even more of a head scratcher how that douche with a faux hawk was able to land that hard 10.) but Tammy Reid is a very pretty lady especially considering that she is almost 60!! Regardless of how she looks why would any human woman with a pulse be married to the fat, mustached, human version of the kool aid man?

The fact that Andy Reid clearly out kicked his coverage when it comes to his wife can only mean one thing: this man has an extreme amount of self confidence. BartSauce and I like to refer to this as “the Cardale Jones Theory” (which we will elaborate on in a later blog.) Even though his wife is clearly more attractive than him, he married her anyway; and even though his team ranks 29th in total defense entering week 14 they are 9-3 and finding crazy ways to win games. Kansas City has won games this year in ways I didn’t think were possible especially on the road at Carolina, Denver, and last Sunday in Atlanta. The only explanation could be the team has taken on the identity of their head coach. Even though they look in the mirror and they are fat, bald, and have the world’s creepiest mustache; they still go out and play like they look like Channing Tatum.

My Thursday Night Color Rush Pick: Raiders +3.5 over Chiefs

This Thursday Kansas City’s fake confidence gets exposed against a real Super Bowl contender, the future Las Vegas Raiders. The Raiders come into KC on a 6 game winning streak and haven’t lost a game since October 16 when they lost at home to the Chiefs. The fact that the Chiefs beat the Raiders earlier this season will scare off some people but for whatever weird reason the Raiders are actually playing better on the road than at home this season. As for the Chiefs, they have not done their part covering the spread as a home favorite this year. 5 times this season KC has been a home favorite and they are only 1-4 ATS. The Raiders on the other had are 3-0 as a road underdog and that is straight up and ATS! Say no more I’m taking ~~Las Vegas~~ Oakland’s glove buddies Derek Carr and Jack Del Rio to cover over Kansas City and Paul Blart/Kool aid man Andy Reid. I will be back Sunday with my full slate of Week 14 NFL picks.

NFL Sunday Week 13: I’m taking a knee in protest of the Bears-Niners game

Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 13th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday.

This Sunday we have a critical matchup featuring 2 dumpster fire franchises, both starting backup QBs. The 1-10 49ers vs. the 2-9 Chicago Bears. Why is this garbage matchup so important? 5 months from now one of these teams will get to draft ahead of the other if they lose this game. The Westgate Superbook in Las Vegas has this game as a Pick ’em and even Vegas knows neither team wants to win this game.

What do Muhammad Ali, Jesse Owens, and Jackie Robinson all have in common? None of them were ever a backup Quarterback. This season it seems everyone from President Obama to my Grandmother at Thanksgiving dinner has had an opinion on Colin Kaepernick and I’ve seen something in common, none of their opinions mention his team has won 1 game all year and he didn’t even start in that game because he was a backup. Regardless of how you feel politically we can all agree that men like Ali, Owens, and Robinson had people listening to what they said politically off the field because of how good they were on the field. If Kaepernick wants people to take his political views seriously start with winning a game, then he should make headlines for something other than being benched or what kind of socks he’s wearing. Another part of Kaepernick’s problem is he is being coached by future college football coach Chip Kelly. I don’t really have a good reason for disliking Chip Kelly, I could say he’s racist, he’s bad at his job, he’s never really won, but my real reason for disliking him is he looks like a guy who couldn’t tell you the last time he saw a treadmill but probably has half the cheesecake factory menu memorized.

The other side of the field we have the Bears who have turned into a classic light bulb franchise, as in ‘how many Bears fans does it take to change a light blub, none they just sit around and talk about how good the light bulb was in 1985.’ Part of the reason for this development is investing 126 million dollars into a Quarterback who’s resting facial expression is that of a man waiting in line at the DMV.

The collection of awfulness that will be on display in Chicago Sunday has led to one conclusion: I am taking a knee in protest of the Bears-Niners Game. For the first 10 minutes of my NFL Sunday, a time I usually spend meditating to get in a zen state of mind before gametime, I will be taking a knee to protest that fact that the fascist dictator known as Roger Goodell will allow this game to be played. I wouldn’t suggest that my worst enemy even spend a minute of their time watching soccer but for this Sunday if you choose to watch a barnburning 1-1 soccer draw over this game I understand, I’m not saying you should but I understand.

NFL WEEK 13 PICKS

All lines are from the Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest

Ravens -3.5 over Dolphins

Lions +6 over Saints

Bucs +3.5 over Chargers

Ravens -3.5 over the Dolphins

No one knows it yet but the Ravens are the best team in the AFC North. The Ravens are 4-2 ATS at home this season and are 3-0 ATS in their last 3 as a home favorite. One reason to love about the Ravens as less than a TD favorite is they have Justin Tucker who is the best kicker in the league and the closest example we have for a kicker having swag. The Dolphins on the other hand have won 6 games in row and why would anyone gamble against a team this hot. Just like the Cowboys on Thursday, the Dolphins are about to come back down to earth, no team in the NFL stays hot forever, especially when their QB is Ryan Tannehill and they are going against a good defense on the road. I like the Ravens big in this one.

Lions +6 over Saints

Tough pick to make cause 1. I am totally biased against the Saints and hate them more than anything and 2. The Saints have played really well at home, but having said that I LOVE the Lions getting +6 this week. Detroit played on Thanksgiving and get the extra 3 days rest but more importantly every Lions game this season has been decided by 7 points or less. The Lions may not win but they will keep it close.

Bucs +3.5 over Chargers

Tampa Bay has been on fire the last 3 weeks with impressive wins over future playoff chokers Kansas City and Seattle. Their defense has been solid allowing only 10 PPG during their win streak and Jameis Winston looks like he’s come a long was from stealing seafood and standing on tables yelling obscenities in college. The real star in Tampa however is Mike Evans, this dude is a beast and it just shows how stupid everyone is that he was over shadowed by Johnny Manziel in college and now Jameis in the NFL. Evans is the best receiver in the NFC not named Julio or Odell and he deserves more credit for Tampa’s success. Bucs should be able to win out right in the Whale’s Vagina but if not they will at least cover.

Teaser of the week:

Jags +10.5 over Broncos

Seahawks PK over Panthers

Bills +10 over Raiders

Jags are not a good team at all but they have a decent record of 5-6 ATS this season and Blake Bortles is the master of the Garbage time TD. I like them to stay close to the Broncos at home since Denver is starting a Rookie QB. Member when the Panthers were gonna dominate the NFC for the next 5 years? Oh I Member! Carolina sucks again and Seattle doesn’t lose at home. For as good as the Raiders have been this year they have not beat a anyone at home by more than 10 points. I like Rex and the Bills to keep it within single digits at the black hole.

Shootout of the week:

Giants-Steelers over 48

Ben vs Eli, AB vs Odell, Bell vs whoever the hell the giants RB is. Nothing about this game makes you think either team is gonna stop the other. Sunday afternoon game of the week is gonna be a fun one with lots of points, 31-24 somebody. either way its going over.

NFL Week 13 Color Rush: Blair Walsh causes alcoholism

I’m sick and tired of hearing people complain about Thursday Night Football. ‘the games aren’t competitive’ ‘the matchups are terrible’ ‘I can’t watch Thursday night because Grey’s Anatomy is on’ If you have ever said any of the previous phrases I invite you to move to Russia, no Thursday night football in Russia. Now this week there are no college Thursday games which is incredibly sad that college football is almost over but good news is we have a great matchup of 10-1 Dallas vs. 6-5 Minnesota

Here’s how this is going to work, I am going to give my reasoning first then make a pick at the end for who is going to COVER.

My man Bartsauce and I took a trip to Minnesota two years ago to watch a Vikings game and I noticed a few things about that state.

Minneapolis is easily the most annoying place to watch an NFL game as an opposing fan. For those of you that don’t know the Vikings have a fight song, sort of the same way that mediocre high school teams have a fight song. The Vikings play their fight song for everything; first downs, field goals, touchdowns, and in case none of those things happen for them (when your QB is Sam Bradford sometimes you go games without seeing FD, FGs or TDs) they play the song every timeout, quarter or halftime. The song is bottom line a top 5 worst song of all time, right up there with call me maybe, what does the fox say, or anything by Miley Cyrus. I would be surprised if the song was invented by governments to torture prisoners but was determined to be cruel and unusual punishment. I swear I still have nightmares where I’m trapped in a small room with no windows and no doors and nothing but the Vikings fight song playing on a loop, now that is a living hell. On top of being the only team in the world of professional sports with a fight song they also sound a loud Viking horn every time something happens in the game to make sure no one forgets what their mascot is. (note: Vikings wearing horns is not historically accurate and any first year history student could tell you that but no one seemed to tell the good people of Minnesota.)
People in Minnesota like to drink, a lot. Now American traditions are part of what makes this country great and the people of Minnesota love great American traditions; such as voting, standing for the national anthem, or the right to beat your child with a switch. But one of my favorite traditions is having a few adult beverages and watching a football game and the people of Minnesota take this to a whole other level. The good people of Minnesota prepare for a football game the way civil war soldiers would prepare to have have a limb amputated; drink until you can’t feel anything. Bart and I realized the drinking did not stop from Saturday night to the afternoon kickoff at 3:00 Sunday. We went to a bar near the stadium around 11 AM Sunday to eat before the game and the place was standing room only and had a line to get in. During the game was even more impressive when we watched people slamming Miller High Life tall boys for $9 a piece like it was water. Nothing special about seeing people drink at a sporting event but the level at which Minnesota does it is truly impressive.

These two observations led me to one conclusion: Blair Walsh causes alcoholism.

Losing a home playoff game because your kicker misses a 30 yard field goal may be the single most depressing tragedy anyone can go through. After 2 years I’ve finally realized why Vikings fans feel the need to get so drunk that singing the world’s most annoying song 600 times during a game sounds fun, their kickers made them do it. First it was Gary Anderson in the ’98 NFC championship game and more recently it was Blair Walsh. This lack of clutch kicking has turned the beautiful state of Minnesota into the most alcoholic state in the union (maybe, i didn’t fact check that). At last all is well with the Vikings because 2 weeks ago they cut Blair Walsh and are now prepared to not blow another playoff game (because they won’t make the playoffs).

My Thursday Night Color Rush Pick: Vikings +3.5 over Cowboys

Cutting your POS kicker doesn’t only help your fan base cut down on alcoholism but it also helps you cover spreads when you’re getting a field goal and a hook at home. Gambling on Sam Bradford is like eating dog food, there is no real benefit to doing it and no human should ever do it, but somehow ol’ Sammy Sleeves is 4-1 at home ATS as a Viking. However this pick has nothing to do with the Vikings, this is about TNF and the Dallas Cowboys. Home teams on Thursday night have gone 8-3 this season ATS. As for the Cowboys they are an astonishing 9-1-1 ATS this season and 10-1 straight up. If this were college I would be all over Dallas for the rest of the season but in Pro football no team ever ends the season with only 1 loss against the spread. Teams are too good, competition studies film and catches onto schemes, and sportsbooks always end up getting ATS records as close to .500 as possible. The Vikings will keep this game close and maybe their fans won’t need to drink their way through the rest of the season. (their QB is Sam Bradford, so yeah they probably will)