NFL – Double COVERage

NFL Week 17: Cain and Abel and Rex and Rob

Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 17th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday.

The end of the NFL regular season is such a bittersweet time. On one hand we are getting into the most exciting time of all football which is NFL playoffs and on the other hand we have only one more month to enjoy football before its taken away for what seems like an eternity. In the life of an NFL coach this time can mean popping champagne, reminding tv analysts they picked against you in August, and making the playoffs; but for others it means sweating like Derrick Rose trying to take the SAT (people don’t forget) and waiting to see if you get fired the Monday after week 17, also known as black Monday. Some coaches won’t have to worry about waiting to see if they get fired because they’ve already been fired. And some of those coaches are brothers Rex and Rob.

Admittedly its been a while since I’ve been to Church, coincidentally every football season my Church attendance takes a significant drop. I got a C- in statistics in college and mostly earned that grade coping off the girl next to me but I’m pretty sure that is an example of a correlation. Even though it has been a while since I visited church I remember hearing in Sunday school the story of Cain and Abel, a story of how one brother screwed over another brother. Now I don’t remember details of the story but after some quick Wikipedia research I think this story very much applies to the Ryan Brothers.

The Ryan brothers have a very famous football father, Bud Ryan, defensive coordinator of the 1985 Chicago Bears and head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Cain and Abel had a slightly less famous and less accomplished father than Bud Ryan, Adam fromthebible. Bud Ryan set up his children for success in football from the time they entered the working work and Rex was extremely successful as a defensive line coach for one of the top defensive in the last 20 years, the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. Next he became a successful head coach in New York for the Jets leading them to two AFC Championship games. Much like Abel who became a very successful Shepard, Rex was abel to lose weight and become a head coach in Buffalo. Rob on the other hand struggled as a defensive coordinator for 5 different teams including a historically bad New Orleans Saints team in 2015. Cain went against his brother and became a farmer. Like Cain, Rob also loved to spend time around large amounts of food and gained a substantial amount of weight. (side note: even though it is not biblically accurate I like to think Cain, like Rob, also looked the Dude Lebowski.)

After years apart in their separate careers as ~~farmer and Shepard~~ head coach and defensive coordinator, ~~Cain and Abel~~ Rex and Rob finally joined forces in Buffalo hoping to turn the Bills into contenders. Anyone who read the Bible knows how this story ends, Abel being the successful thoughtful person reached out to help his struggling fat brother and give him a job. Cain being fat and jealous of his brother’s success decided to commit the first murder in history, and kill his brother. Rob much like Cain was fat and jealous also but instead of killing his brother he just went after his weight and his career. Rob’s plan took a little longer than Cain’s but a very short time in NFL years. After only one season together, Rex was fat like brother and out of job just like his brother. In the Bible Cain was forced to live out the rest of his life in Exile while Abel was dead, but I think the Ryan’s brothers fate is even worse, they are forced to live out their lives together. Rex has to deal with his fat brother trying to make him fatter, and Rob has to deal Rex and his foot fetish. (LOL YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA WRITE A WHOLE BLOG ABOUT REX RYAN AND NOT MENTION FOOT FETISHES HAHAHAHAHA PEOPLE DONT FORGET.)

NFL WEEK 17 PICKS

All lines used from the Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest

Bills -3.5 over Jets

Eagles -4.5 over Cowboys

Dolphins +9.5 over Pats

Bills -3.5 over Jets

Bills out of playoff contention, fired their coach, and benched their quarterback so why would anyone want to pick them on the road? Because the Jets really suck. Quick Question, who is starting QB for the Jets this week? I don’t think anyone knows. Another Question, is the Jets head coach still in the hospital and what for? I know no one knows that. Bills will rally around offensive coordinator and recently promoted head coach Anthony Lynn to try to win him the job next year. I’ll take the Bills to finish the season with a win by at least a TD.

Eagles -4.5 over Cowboys

The Cowboys have the number one seed in the NFC playoffs locked up and still looking to avoid a QB controversy in week 17. Balding old man/ known playoff choker Tony Romo is going to be allowed to suit up Sunday and possibly challenge Willie Beamen impressionist Dak Prescott for the starting job. Also known butt fumbler Mark Sanchez could get reps in this game but no controversy there because no one would mistake him for a starting QB. With old man Romo, the Sanchize, and 55 year old Darren Mcfadden getting a majority of the reps Sunday I don’t think the cowboys are very concerned with winning. Dallas has their seed locked up and are playing backups. The Eagles have played well at home this season, no over thinking this, Philly is winning this game.

Dolphins +9.5 over Pats

Sunday marks the first day of January and that usually means Belicheat is in full cheating mode. Only this game isn’t going to mean as much as normal Patriot January games because it’s week 17 and not the playoffs. The Dolphins also have their playoff spot locked up and are starting future furniture salesman Matt Morre at QB. So why Miami? The Pats have been terrible in division games on the road in weeks 16 and 17 the last two years. Even after New England demolished the Jets by 38 last week at home the Patriots have not been able to do the same on the road this year. Last week Miami proved they are still playing to win going into Buffalo and getting Rex and Rob fired. I don’t think Matt Moore can beat the Patriots but I think he can cover almost a double digit spread at home.

Bonus Pick: Falcons -infinity over Saints

Last regular season game in Georgia Dome, Michael Vick is going to be a guest in attendance, and the Falcons need a win to get the 2 seed in the NFC playoffs. But none of those are the reasons they are gonna win this game. They’re going to win this game cause THE FALCONS HAVE THE BEST OFFENSE IN FOOTBALL AND THE SAINTS IS TRASH FALCONS BY A MILLION.

Happy new year everyone and happy end of the regular season.

NFL Sunday (on a Saturday) Week 16: Christmas Special

Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 16th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday (Christmas) Saturday/Sunday

Christmas is here and I am fully enveloped in my favorite holiday activity. ~~Spending time with my loved ones, volunteering my time and money to the less fortunate, and getting gifts for those I care about.~~ Spending hours upon hours in front of the tv watching football and when there isn’t football, Christmas movies. Because more people like me are attempting to avoid their families with either football, movies, or both I decided to combine the two. So because we are nearing the end of the NFL season (sad) and the playoff picture is becoming more clear, I am going to rate the super bowl contenders as if they were Christmas movies, and then give my picks for week 16.

NFC Contenders

Dallas Cowboys = It’s a Wonderful Life.

The Cowboys are having a dream season. Just when everything seemed lost in the Preseason a guardian angel named Dak showed up and carried the team through a dream showing them how great everything can be when you’re the number one seed in the NFC with home field advantage. But eventually George/Tony Romo is going to wake up and realize they were happy with the life they already had, and count their blessings. After Dallas chokes away a playoff game at home, Cowboys fans will go one of two ways; some will go back to talking about how good the 90’s were and some will go back to being Seahawks fans.

Seattle Seahawks = Home Alone

Seahawks are sitting at 9-4-1 and the second seed in the NFC. At first glace it seems like its been an up and down year for the hawks but anyone who has paid attention to them knows they have been almost unbeatable at home. Seattle is on the verge of going undefeated at home in year 2016, and at this point they are basically Kevin McCallister setting traps throughout their home for any idiot willing to invade their territory. Will their season end with them defending their home/winning the title like Kevin McCallister? Or will they end up out of work and addicted to pills like Macaulay Culkin? (side note: RIP John Candy)

Detroit Lions = Christmas Vacation

Detroit is 9-5, leading the NFC North, and having a great turnaround season after going 7-9 last season. Their defense has been solid and their QB Mathew Stafford has had an MVP type season. Stafford has been so great when it comes to holding his team together much like family man Clark Griswold attempted to bring his family together for Christmas. However much like Clark as it gets closer to Christmas, Matt Stafford is slowly going to lose his mind until eventually he will snap, start screaming at his team for someone to kidnap Calvin Johnson and bring him back.

New York Giants = The Grinch

The Giants have quietly had a great record of 10-5, and been the only team to beat the Cowboys this season and they’ve done it twice. The Giants paid big money for free agents on defense this summer and its paid off with the defense coming together over the last two months leading up to Christmas much like the town of Whoville. Only one person could ruin the happiness of the town of Whoville/Giants defense and that’s the Grinch/Eli Manning. Eli’s ability to throw stupid interceptions is 3 times more likely than any other QB in the NFL* (not an actual stat, it just feels that way when he’s on your fantasy team). Much like the Grinch who’s heart was 3 times too small. The Giants QB has been up and down all season, throwing a number of TD’s and INTs. Will Eli/The Grinch deliver his town their presents and make a playoff run, or throw a few more pick sixs to ruin the season?

AFC Contenders

New England Patriots = Bad Santa

The Pats have locked up the AFC East before Christmas and in other news the sky is blue, water is wet, and fire is hot. Even after known Ugg wearer Tom Brady was forced to sit out the first 4 games of the season the Pats are still 12-2 entering week 16. But this is the time of year we all need to start being skeptical of Bill, Tom, and the Pats. Much like Billy Bob Thorton and that midget in Bad Santa it just seems like Belicheat and Brady are waiting for the shop owners to leave so they can rob the place. (side note: RIP Bernie Mac) Also Tom Brady left his girlfriend while she was pregnant and people don’t forget.

Oakland Raiders = Elf

The Raiders have come out of no where with an 11-3 record this year lead by a young cast of under 25 guys. The Raiders seem young and naive like they don’t even know how to act after wrapping up their playoff spot before Christmas having not made the playoffs since 2002. They may get so excited that they end up looking awkward and retarded like Buddy the Elf in common social situations/playoffs.

Kansas City Chiefs = Miracle on 34th Street

The Chiefs are 10-4 and on the verge of locking up a playoff spot with many people saying Kansas City is the biggest threat to the Patriots in the AFC. The reason for this is the Chiefs have impressive wins over Denver, Carolina, Atlanta, and Oakland twice. How have the Chiefs looked so good this far? I have no idea it is a pre Christmas Miracle. The Chiefs are living a lie. Buckle up KC fans, Santa isn’t real, movies are fake, and Andy Reid is never winning a superbowl.

Pittsburgh Steelers = A Christmas Story

Two months ago the Steelers were on a 4 game losing streak, Now they are on a 5 game winning streak. I don’t understand this team at all or how they can look so good or so bad any given sunday. So why are they like a Christmas Story? Two years ago star RB Le’veon Bell got caught smoking weed with teammate Legarrette Blount and then blamed it on Blount. this leads me to believe Le’veon Bell would be the type of person to stick his tongue on a flag pole after a triple dog dare. Also just like this timeless movie the Steelers are always relevant this time a year and by 6 PM on Christmas day you’ll be tired of watching them.

Cleveland Browns = Home Alone 3

This is absolutely disgusting and unwatchable. Anyone who spends a second of their time watching this trash should be drug tested. I don’t understand how anyone allowed this to happen or why anyone allows this still to go on. Also Home Alone 3 is a pretty bad movie too.

NFL WEEK 16 PICKS

All Lines Used from Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest

Bucs +3.5 over Saints

Ravens +6 over Steelers

Broncos +4 over Chiefs

Lions +7.5 over Cowboys

Bucs +3.5 over Saints

I have lost track how many weeks I have bet on Tampa Bay, probably because I’m too busy counting the money I have won picking them. The Bucs keep covering and I am gonna keep picking them until they don’t. I have no idea why the Bucs are getting 3.5 when it feels like this game should be a pickem. Vegas still has faith in the Saints in New Orleans, but I don’t, I expect the Bucs to win this one straight up.

Ravens +6 over Steelers.

Tough to tell which Steelers team is gonna show up Sunday the one that was down 20-6 against the Bengals or the one that came back to beat the Bengals 24-20. All I know is the Ravens maybe haven’t been the better team but they have definitely been more consistent, also they are one of the only teams to hold Le’veon Bell in check this season. I like the Ravens to keep it close in a divisional rival Christmas game.

Broncos +4 over Chiefs

Quick lets all take the money our grandparents give us for Christmas and bet it on the team that’s scored only 1 TD in the last 10 quarters of play. The Broncos Offense has been terrible most of the season especially the offensive line. But the last time they played the Chiefs it went down to the wire and their offense by some miracle scored 27 points. Also for as great as the Chiefs have been this year they are only 2-5 ATS as a home favorite. Broncos are playing for their playoff lives and need to find a way to win one one the road on Christmas night.

Lions +7.5 over Cowboys

Another trend I’ve been following since Thanksgiving is betting against Dallas after they started 9-0-1 ATS. Since that start the Cowboys are on a 4 game losing streak against the spread. Vegas has been setting the lines way to high for the Cowboys and I’m taking advantage. The Lions getting the TD and the hook is huge since every Lions loss this season has been by a TD or less accept for one. Dallas has their seed wrapped up and the Lions need a win to keep pace with the Packers in the NFC North. I like the Lions to keep it close or even win straight up.

Enjoy the football and have a Merry Christmas.

NFL Week 16 Color Rush: Ben Mcadoo, flying car salesman

College football bowl season is upon us and this Thursday we can take a break from stellar matchups featuring teams like Central Michigan and Western Kentucky to watch some good ol fashion NFC East color rush. This week we can marvel at the football genius that is the coaching matchup of Ben Mcadoo and Doug Peterson. Almost makes Jason Garrett and Jay Gruden seem more appealing (almost), get in the holiday spirit people, this is color rush.

Each week TV networks like HBO, AMC, CBS, and ABC try to but their best programing in the primetime Sunday night slot. The night where all American’s end their weekend by relaxing in front of the tv before the new week starts. And every weekend all those networks are fighting for second place in the ratings, because every Sunday night since the beginning of time Sunday Night football on NBC is the most watched program on tv. Despite this being common knowledge, award winning scientist and alleged nerd Neil deGrasse Tyson believes that if less people were tuning in and contemplating SNF then by now we would be more advanced of a civilization and have important things like flying cars.

Enter Ben Mcadoo, alleged head football coach of the New York football Giants. In his first season as head coach replacing the great Tom Coughlin, Ben has led the Giants to a 10-4 record and the verge of making the playoffs for the first time since 2011. Mcadoo’s reign as head coach has not been without controversy; first was run in’s with the teams superstar and future dancing with the stars contestant Odell Beckham Jr. Then came walkie talkie gate, 2 Sundays ago when the Giants played the Cowboys at home the great NFL technology failed and the Giants had to use 1980’s walkie talkies to voice their play calls in. Seems like a great plan until it was realized football genius Ben Mcadoo didn’t know the rules of his own league and was unaware he couldn’t use outside technology to voice in plays. Who would have guessed that a guy who looks like a rent a cop and calls his plays in on a cheesecake factory menu would not know the rules.

Future offensive coordinators Ben Mcadoo and Doug Peterson can’t even figure out how to score 20 points a game or run an offense as a head coach

(now I last played football as a freshman in HS and I may be just some nerd with a blog but really how hard is it to run the Giants offense? Just throw Odell the ball 20 times a game and he houses at least 2 of them. I’m not even that good at Madden and I figured that out, how come Ben Mcadoo cant?!).

but they are serving their purpose. Without football what would guys like Ben Mcadoo be doing for a living? I could take a few guesses but I highly doubt without football Ben Mcadoo would be inventing flying cars. It took Ben Mcadoo 12 weeks to figure out one of the best athletes in the league might be ok at returning punts. If Neil deGrasse Tyson wants less people to be involved in football I don’t think he wants those same people to be the ones inventing the flying cars, but if Neil ever gets his flying cars I would bet Ben Mcadoo would a great flying car salesman. Just don’t ask him how to convert a 3^rd and 4.

My Thursday Night Football color rush pick: Giants -1.5

This game is in Philadelphia and the home team is 4-1 in the last 5 TNF games. The Eagles are coming off an impressive cover at Baltimore on Sunday where Carson Wentz almost won the game on a 2 point conversion. But they didn’t win, and now the Eagles are officially eliminated from the Playoffs. The Giants on the other side have been terrible on offense the last few weeks and without Odell Beckham wouldn’t be able to put up double digit points. The reason the Giants are the obvious pick is their defense, which has only allowed 12 PPG in their last 4 and only 13 total in their last 2 games. The Giants defense is coming around late in the season much like they did in 2007 and 2011 when they picked up dumb face Eli Manning and carried him to two super bowls. The Giants may very well do that again this year as long as Eli can remember which color his team is wearing.

Last Week: 2-3

Season: 10-5

NFL Sunday Week 14: Cam Newton vs Neckwear

Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 14th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday.

Emergency press conference breaking news: Cam Newton likes fashion. In case you were in a coma for the entire 2015 season let me recap, Cam Newton led the Panthers to a 15-1 record, won the MVP, then got crushed by the Broncos in the Super Bowl and hasn’t been the same since. Also in case you were in a coma for the last 15 months Cam Newton really cares about what he wears. I’d go as far as to call him a fashion icon. Cam Newton is basically the (insert famous fashion designer name here) of the NFL. Cam Newton’s outfit choices have ranged from Pink jacket green hat with feather,

To guy trying to look like Mr. Peanut for Halloween.

After years of being in the news for what he wears, Cam Newton made headlines last week for what he didn’t wear. Last week the Carolina Panthers traveled to Seattle to play the Seahawks on Sunday Night and what happened on the first play of the game no one could have predicted. The Panthers offense came out with backup Derek Anderson at QB and incumbent MVP Cam Newton on the bench. Anderson preceded to throw an INT on the first play and the sports world scratched its collective head in confusion. The Panthers went on to get destroyed by the Seahawks 40-7, but why was the MVP on the sideline for the first play of a very important game? Turns out Mr. Steve Harvey Jr. Cam Newton forgot to wear a tie as apart of the team travel rules and was punished by sitting out the first drive. And the NFL world discovered the only things that can stop Cam Newton are Von Miller Vic Beasley and Neckwear.

I may be the least qualified person ever to write about fashion. Basically my closet consists of 50% Atlanta Falcons t-shirts and 50% free t-shirts from 2003-2011 basketball camps. When I was growing up their were two types of player fashion statements, Tim Duncan and Allen Iverson. Guys who dressed like Tim Duncan were going for the “45 year old white guy at a backyard BBQ look.” Tim Duncan could swap clothes with any random dude in the stands and nothing would look out of place.

On the other side of the spectrum you had Allen Iverson. A player going with the Iverson look would make a fashion statement by trying to dress like Nelly in the Tip Drill video. (Side Note to my Grandma: Hi Grandma, if you happen to read this DO NOT click on the video link please.) Wearing baggy jerseys, do-rags, and at least 5 gold chains. Then the NBA had to turn into the no fun league and implement a dress code. Ever since the dress code in the NBA I feel like I don’t understand professional athlete fashion any more. I thought it was cool to dress like you were going to shoot a music video instead of play football or basketball but what at all is cool about dressing like this?!?!

I’m too young to be this out of touch with what is cool and popular and just like anything I don’t understand and that seems foreign I am going to criticize and belittle it. Cam Newton is at a crossroads and needs to pick a lane. My advice to him is to stop trying to keep up with the Westbrook’s and go with either the Duncan or the Iverson. Either show up to post game press conference looking like your accountant on his day off or show up looking like you’re about to shoot a music video in 2004. Can’t go wrong with either cause both looks are based on Hall of Fame players who would never do something stupid like forget a tie, or steal laptops. (OH YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA WRITE A WHOLE BLOG ABOUT CAM NEWTON AND NOT MENTION LAPTOPS OF COURSE NOT HAHAHAHA PEOPLE DONT FORGET.)

NFL WEEK 14 PICKS

All lines used from Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest

Bucs -2 over Saints

Broncos +2 over Titans

Panthers PK over Chargers

Bucs -2 over Saints

I took Tampa Bay last week and I’ve been on them ever since they beat the Chiefs in Kansas City. Some people have been quick to crown the Chiefs the best team in the AFC and only a few weeks ago they lost to Tampa Bay at home. Tampa has put together a 4 game winning streak and have been 4-0 ATS in those games. The only person who could have predicted the Bucs would get this hot after starting so slow is my little brother who is a huge Bucs fan. So thanks to him I’ve payed attention to Tampa this year and they are on fire right now. More importantly their defense has held teams to 13 PPG in their 4 game winning streak. I expect the Bucs D to hold Drew Brees and the Saints offense in check but not actually injury anyone on the Saints because intentionally injuring other players is wrong.

Broncos +2 over the Titans

The Titans have quietly been really solid this year with Marcus Mariota coming into his own as a pro and the renaissance of Demarco Murray. (coincidentally the renaissance of Demarco Murray happened right after he escaped from an obese racist college coach.) This matchup should favor the Titans who have been great at stopping the run and running the ball sort of like a poor man’s Dallas. Also Titans are coming off a buy and playing at home, so why would anyone take the opponent. Because the Broncos are the defending super bowl champs and they are somehow underdogs in this game!!! I will take the Denver Defense getting points any time. I don’t care if Lynch, Siemian, or intoxicated 56 year old John Elway playing QB I am taking the Broncos Defense to beat the Titans.

Panthers PK over Chargers

I know I know I just spent 700 words above this bashing Cam Newton and the Panthers. The Panthers have been horrible this season straight up and against the spread, 4-8 on the season and 3-9 ATS. They just got destroyed on the national game of the week in Seattle 40-7 and they were officially eliminated for the playoffs. Why would anyone want to take the Panthers in this game?! Ron Rivera thats why. I did some research and in turns out Ron Rivera was a member of the 1985 Chicago Bears, and if listening to endless hours of sports talk radio has taught me anything its that the ’85 Bears were the greatest thing to ever happen to mankind. If Ron Rivera’s toughness and pride has rubbed off on his team even the smallest amount they will find a way to win this game at home against an inferior opponent. Football is all about pride and testicular fortitude and we’re about to find out if the Panthers have either, I believe they do.

Teaser of the Week:

Lions PK over Bears

Falcons +1 over Rams

Ravens +14 over Patriots

Some of you might not know this but I am a massive Atlanta Falcons fan. I do not bet on the Falcons because it makes me nervous but I feel comfortable putting them in a tease cause the thought of the Falcons losing to Jeff Fisher might put me in a coma. Even without Julio Jones and Jake Mathews I expect the Falcons to win in LA. Detroit may not be a super bowl contender but they are a good football team. The Bears may have helmets and jerseys but it remains to be seen if they are actually even a real team, give me Detroit to win at home. As for MNF, I love the Ravens and apparently so does Vegas cause this game opened at Patriots -10 and has moved all the way down to -7, I will gladly take the Ravens +14 on the Teaser and expect this game to be a lot closer than people think.

Last Week: 4-0

This Week: 0-1 (thanks a lot Derek Carr)

NFL Week 14 Color Rush: Andy Reid’s Wife is too hot for him

I’ll admit I have a football addiction, I watch any terrible matchup the NFL rolls out on a week night just because I’m excited about a game during the week. I don’t proudly admit this but I watched 3 quarters of a Titans-Jaguars matchup one time on a Thursday night. Its not that I have a gambling problem, its just a football problem. The NFL is finally starting to thank fans everywhere for sitting through terrible Thursday matchups and rewarding us with a second straight great Thursday matchup, The 10-2 Las Vegas Oakland Raiders vs the 9-3 Kansas City Chiefs.

I hate the TV show King of Queens and have hated it ever since it came out. I don’t hate it cause its a pointless show that isn’t funny, I hate it cause I could never get over the fact that as a viewer I’m supposed to believe that Paul Blart is married to that hot chick.

I mean C’MON MAN how stupid is the American television viewer that they kept this show on the air for almost 10 years?! If at any point I tried to watch an episode of that show I wouldn’t be able to focus on what was going on cause I couldn’t get over the fact that he was married to her. That is sort of the same way I felt when I saw Andy Reid’s wife for the first time.

Now Tammy Reid is no Mrs. Bret Bielema (even more of a head scratcher how that douche with a faux hawk was able to land that hard 10.) but Tammy Reid is a very pretty lady especially considering that she is almost 60!! Regardless of how she looks why would any human woman with a pulse be married to the fat, mustached, human version of the kool aid man?

The fact that Andy Reid clearly out kicked his coverage when it comes to his wife can only mean one thing: this man has an extreme amount of self confidence. BartSauce and I like to refer to this as “the Cardale Jones Theory” (which we will elaborate on in a later blog.) Even though his wife is clearly more attractive than him, he married her anyway; and even though his team ranks 29th in total defense entering week 14 they are 9-3 and finding crazy ways to win games. Kansas City has won games this year in ways I didn’t think were possible especially on the road at Carolina, Denver, and last Sunday in Atlanta. The only explanation could be the team has taken on the identity of their head coach. Even though they look in the mirror and they are fat, bald, and have the world’s creepiest mustache; they still go out and play like they look like Channing Tatum.

My Thursday Night Color Rush Pick: Raiders +3.5 over Chiefs

This Thursday Kansas City’s fake confidence gets exposed against a real Super Bowl contender, the future Las Vegas Raiders. The Raiders come into KC on a 6 game winning streak and haven’t lost a game since October 16 when they lost at home to the Chiefs. The fact that the Chiefs beat the Raiders earlier this season will scare off some people but for whatever weird reason the Raiders are actually playing better on the road than at home this season. As for the Chiefs, they have not done their part covering the spread as a home favorite this year. 5 times this season KC has been a home favorite and they are only 1-4 ATS. The Raiders on the other had are 3-0 as a road underdog and that is straight up and ATS! Say no more I’m taking ~~Las Vegas~~ Oakland’s glove buddies Derek Carr and Jack Del Rio to cover over Kansas City and Paul Blart/Kool aid man Andy Reid. I will be back Sunday with my full slate of Week 14 NFL picks.

NFL Sunday Week 13: I’m taking a knee in protest of the Bears-Niners game

Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 13th straight week, Welcome to NFL Sunday.

This Sunday we have a critical matchup featuring 2 dumpster fire franchises, both starting backup QBs. The 1-10 49ers vs. the 2-9 Chicago Bears. Why is this garbage matchup so important? 5 months from now one of these teams will get to draft ahead of the other if they lose this game. The Westgate Superbook in Las Vegas has this game as a Pick ’em and even Vegas knows neither team wants to win this game.

What do Muhammad Ali, Jesse Owens, and Jackie Robinson all have in common? None of them were ever a backup Quarterback. This season it seems everyone from President Obama to my Grandmother at Thanksgiving dinner has had an opinion on Colin Kaepernick and I’ve seen something in common, none of their opinions mention his team has won 1 game all year and he didn’t even start in that game because he was a backup. Regardless of how you feel politically we can all agree that men like Ali, Owens, and Robinson had people listening to what they said politically off the field because of how good they were on the field. If Kaepernick wants people to take his political views seriously start with winning a game, then he should make headlines for something other than being benched or what kind of socks he’s wearing. Another part of Kaepernick’s problem is he is being coached by future college football coach Chip Kelly. I don’t really have a good reason for disliking Chip Kelly, I could say he’s racist, he’s bad at his job, he’s never really won, but my real reason for disliking him is he looks like a guy who couldn’t tell you the last time he saw a treadmill but probably has half the cheesecake factory menu memorized.

The other side of the field we have the Bears who have turned into a classic light bulb franchise, as in ‘how many Bears fans does it take to change a light blub, none they just sit around and talk about how good the light bulb was in 1985.’ Part of the reason for this development is investing 126 million dollars into a Quarterback who’s resting facial expression is that of a man waiting in line at the DMV.

The collection of awfulness that will be on display in Chicago Sunday has led to one conclusion: I am taking a knee in protest of the Bears-Niners Game. For the first 10 minutes of my NFL Sunday, a time I usually spend meditating to get in a zen state of mind before gametime, I will be taking a knee to protest that fact that the fascist dictator known as Roger Goodell will allow this game to be played. I wouldn’t suggest that my worst enemy even spend a minute of their time watching soccer but for this Sunday if you choose to watch a barnburning 1-1 soccer draw over this game I understand, I’m not saying you should but I understand.

NFL WEEK 13 PICKS

All lines are from the Las Vegas Westgate Supercontest

Ravens -3.5 over Dolphins

Lions +6 over Saints

Bucs +3.5 over Chargers

Ravens -3.5 over the Dolphins

No one knows it yet but the Ravens are the best team in the AFC North. The Ravens are 4-2 ATS at home this season and are 3-0 ATS in their last 3 as a home favorite. One reason to love about the Ravens as less than a TD favorite is they have Justin Tucker who is the best kicker in the league and the closest example we have for a kicker having swag. The Dolphins on the other hand have won 6 games in row and why would anyone gamble against a team this hot. Just like the Cowboys on Thursday, the Dolphins are about to come back down to earth, no team in the NFL stays hot forever, especially when their QB is Ryan Tannehill and they are going against a good defense on the road. I like the Ravens big in this one.

Lions +6 over Saints

Tough pick to make cause 1. I am totally biased against the Saints and hate them more than anything and 2. The Saints have played really well at home, but having said that I LOVE the Lions getting +6 this week. Detroit played on Thanksgiving and get the extra 3 days rest but more importantly every Lions game this season has been decided by 7 points or less. The Lions may not win but they will keep it close.

Bucs +3.5 over Chargers

Tampa Bay has been on fire the last 3 weeks with impressive wins over future playoff chokers Kansas City and Seattle. Their defense has been solid allowing only 10 PPG during their win streak and Jameis Winston looks like he’s come a long was from stealing seafood and standing on tables yelling obscenities in college. The real star in Tampa however is Mike Evans, this dude is a beast and it just shows how stupid everyone is that he was over shadowed by Johnny Manziel in college and now Jameis in the NFL. Evans is the best receiver in the NFC not named Julio or Odell and he deserves more credit for Tampa’s success. Bucs should be able to win out right in the Whale’s Vagina but if not they will at least cover.

Teaser of the week:

Jags +10.5 over Broncos

Seahawks PK over Panthers

Bills +10 over Raiders

Jags are not a good team at all but they have a decent record of 5-6 ATS this season and Blake Bortles is the master of the Garbage time TD. I like them to stay close to the Broncos at home since Denver is starting a Rookie QB. Member when the Panthers were gonna dominate the NFC for the next 5 years? Oh I Member! Carolina sucks again and Seattle doesn’t lose at home. For as good as the Raiders have been this year they have not beat a anyone at home by more than 10 points. I like Rex and the Bills to keep it within single digits at the black hole.

Shootout of the week:

Giants-Steelers over 48

Ben vs Eli, AB vs Odell, Bell vs whoever the hell the giants RB is. Nothing about this game makes you think either team is gonna stop the other. Sunday afternoon game of the week is gonna be a fun one with lots of points, 31-24 somebody. either way its going over.

NFL Week 13 Color Rush: Blair Walsh causes alcoholism

I’m sick and tired of hearing people complain about Thursday Night Football. ‘the games aren’t competitive’ ‘the matchups are terrible’ ‘I can’t watch Thursday night because Grey’s Anatomy is on’ If you have ever said any of the previous phrases I invite you to move to Russia, no Thursday night football in Russia. Now this week there are no college Thursday games which is incredibly sad that college football is almost over but good news is we have a great matchup of 10-1 Dallas vs. 6-5 Minnesota

Here’s how this is going to work, I am going to give my reasoning first then make a pick at the end for who is going to COVER.

My man Bartsauce and I took a trip to Minnesota two years ago to watch a Vikings game and I noticed a few things about that state.

Minneapolis is easily the most annoying place to watch an NFL game as an opposing fan. For those of you that don’t know the Vikings have a fight song, sort of the same way that mediocre high school teams have a fight song. The Vikings play their fight song for everything; first downs, field goals, touchdowns, and in case none of those things happen for them (when your QB is Sam Bradford sometimes you go games without seeing FD, FGs or TDs) they play the song every timeout, quarter or halftime. The song is bottom line a top 5 worst song of all time, right up there with call me maybe, what does the fox say, or anything by Miley Cyrus. I would be surprised if the song was invented by governments to torture prisoners but was determined to be cruel and unusual punishment. I swear I still have nightmares where I’m trapped in a small room with no windows and no doors and nothing but the Vikings fight song playing on a loop, now that is a living hell. On top of being the only team in the world of professional sports with a fight song they also sound a loud Viking horn every time something happens in the game to make sure no one forgets what their mascot is. (note: Vikings wearing horns is not historically accurate and any first year history student could tell you that but no one seemed to tell the good people of Minnesota.)
People in Minnesota like to drink, a lot. Now American traditions are part of what makes this country great and the people of Minnesota love great American traditions; such as voting, standing for the national anthem, or the right to beat your child with a switch. But one of my favorite traditions is having a few adult beverages and watching a football game and the people of Minnesota take this to a whole other level. The good people of Minnesota prepare for a football game the way civil war soldiers would prepare to have have a limb amputated; drink until you can’t feel anything. Bart and I realized the drinking did not stop from Saturday night to the afternoon kickoff at 3:00 Sunday. We went to a bar near the stadium around 11 AM Sunday to eat before the game and the place was standing room only and had a line to get in. During the game was even more impressive when we watched people slamming Miller High Life tall boys for $9 a piece like it was water. Nothing special about seeing people drink at a sporting event but the level at which Minnesota does it is truly impressive.

These two observations led me to one conclusion: Blair Walsh causes alcoholism.

Losing a home playoff game because your kicker misses a 30 yard field goal may be the single most depressing tragedy anyone can go through. After 2 years I’ve finally realized why Vikings fans feel the need to get so drunk that singing the world’s most annoying song 600 times during a game sounds fun, their kickers made them do it. First it was Gary Anderson in the ’98 NFC championship game and more recently it was Blair Walsh. This lack of clutch kicking has turned the beautiful state of Minnesota into the most alcoholic state in the union (maybe, i didn’t fact check that). At last all is well with the Vikings because 2 weeks ago they cut Blair Walsh and are now prepared to not blow another playoff game (because they won’t make the playoffs).

My Thursday Night Color Rush Pick: Vikings +3.5 over Cowboys

Cutting your POS kicker doesn’t only help your fan base cut down on alcoholism but it also helps you cover spreads when you’re getting a field goal and a hook at home. Gambling on Sam Bradford is like eating dog food, there is no real benefit to doing it and no human should ever do it, but somehow ol’ Sammy Sleeves is 4-1 at home ATS as a Viking. However this pick has nothing to do with the Vikings, this is about TNF and the Dallas Cowboys. Home teams on Thursday night have gone 8-3 this season ATS. As for the Cowboys they are an astonishing 9-1-1 ATS this season and 10-1 straight up. If this were college I would be all over Dallas for the rest of the season but in Pro football no team ever ends the season with only 1 loss against the spread. Teams are too good, competition studies film and catches onto schemes, and sportsbooks always end up getting ATS records as close to .500 as possible. The Vikings will keep this game close and maybe their fans won’t need to drink their way through the rest of the season. (their QB is Sam Bradford, so yeah they probably will)