Quick question: What’s better than skipping church, sitting on the couch in a dark room watching the Red Zone channel for 12 hours avoiding all real world responsibilities, and gambling on grown men who probably have CTE? Doing it for the 18th straight week, Welcome to the NFL Playoffs.
We finally did it, we made it past that annoying post new year season where everyone lies to themselves saying they’re gonna make big changes in their life that will never happen. Past the time of millions of people posting pictures with a caption “new year new me” when clearly they are exactly the same person. Past the time of post college bowl season depression where you realize there are only a handful of football games to be played before its gone for months. And luckily waiting on the other side of that season is this glorious thing known as the NFL playoffs. Only 12 teams have their season still alive with hopes of winning a super bowl while the other 20 teams are off in some tropical location enjoying their offseason clubbing, partying on yachts, and hanging with celebrities. Or if you’re the New York Giants why not both?!?
Let’s go ahead and drop some breaking news: Professional athletes like to drink alcohol, and smoke marijuana, and some of them even take banned drugs to help their performance on the field or court. I’ve learned this valuable information from my sources: living in a place other than under a rock, and being born in a past time that was not yesterday. In case you are one of these under a rock or born yesterday people, this past weekend some members of the New York Giants traveled to Miami after their game in Washington and were partying at clubs and on yachts and turning down drugs. All week the talking heads of the sports world have been critical of these players questioning if their minds are actually focused on playing Green Bay in the Playoffs or off on a yacht in Florida. These idiots at ESPN and other media sites just jealous they couldn’t be hanging on a yacht with OBJ. These idiots who are critical of the fact that young millionaires took some time off to party and vacation need to shut up and stop ignoring the real issue. I have no problem with the fact the Giants players were parting, I’m disappointed in the way they partied.

Let’s start with the infamous picture that’s all over the internet, the one that is the cover of this post. There are 9 males in the picture and 1 female who’s back is turned. I’m no millionaire athlete but I assumed the reason you fly to Miami to party is to party on a boat set up like Dan Bilzerian with women covering >10% of their skin and a solid 12:1 female to male ratio (now that is math I am capable of doing). Instead the Giants choose to hang on a boat with a 1:9 female to bros ratio, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if that’s how they wanted to spend their off day why not do it in New Jersey and not Miami. Secondly what the hell are they wearing in the picture?! I’m gonna take a guess that the pilot of the plane lied to them and told them they were flying to Seattle to play the Seahawks and thought it would be a funny prank to watch grown men party on a beach in Miami wearing winter hats, boots, and skinny jeans. I’ve wrote before about how I understand nothing about fashion, especially fashion of people my age but this is just unprofessional from a partying standpoint. We have 9 men in the picture and 2 of them are wearing shorts. If the NFL doesn’t drug test these players to find out what they took on the boat they should at least test them to find out what kind of influence they were under when they packed for this trip. Third mistake, how did the entire sports world find out these players spent their off day? was it paparazzi, dolphin fans outing a rival? Angry girls who the players ignored? none of the above. The players outed themselves by posting pictures of their trip on Instagram and snap chat.
Please allow me to take a quick break from dissecting the Giants Party fouls to rant about Millennials for a minute. I realize I am about as old as all these guys and I spend my time hanging around young people but this really bothers me. WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO POST EVERYTHING THEY DO ON SNAPCHAT ARE THERE NO SECRETS LEFT IN THE WORLD WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO SIMPLY GOING ABOUT YOUR DAY WITHOUT TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT IT (I’m looking at you Antonio Brown). I myself am a millennial and use snapchat, I realize snapchat is not going anywhere but if you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re getting hammered and doing drugs in Miami on a Monday when you have to play a playoff game in Green Bay on Sunday; I doubt you want your opponents knowing how you spent your free time much less the entire world. If I’m the Giants and want to party in my free time I taking a page out of Derek Jeter’s playbook and instituting a no cell phone policy.
ok back to the Giants, rich young millionaires hanging on a yacht in Miami for the day there are bound to be some drugs. Everything Scarface and Miami Vice have taught me is there has to be drugs, so what are we talking ecstasy? coke? something worse? again none of the above, the drug of choice for OBJ and the fellas, adderall. What are they trying to study for finals after they get off of the yacht?! Of all the drugs in Miami, the Giants reportedly turned down adderall because the NFL would test for it. So let’s recap real quick we have a yacht with a lot dudes and 1 girl, the dudes are rockin skinny jeans winter hats and boots, they were found out via instagram and snapchat, and the drug of choice on their boat was adderall. The only way the Giants could make any more millennial party mistakes is to invite Bieber and the Kardashians. So that’s exactly what the Giants did. It was seen via snapchat Tuesday morning that Odell Beckham and Victor Cruz were partying with Justin Bieber Monday night. (that sentence would make me cry if I were a Giants fan, it was hard enough to type).

I can’t take any more of this, I’m done. I’m about to turn into a 24 year old grandpa and say the NFL is full of spoiled brat millennials who snapchat and party with Justin Bieber. The NFL used to be a league of men, men like Max Mcgee. The story of Max Mcgee is legendary but I will give you the short version. Max played for the Packers in 1967 and was a backup. The night before Super Bowl 1 he didn’t think he would get to play the next day so he stayed out all night drinking with 2 flight attendants he met on the plane. After getting to bed at 6:30 in the morning Max had to go to the Super Bowl hungover. Not only did he get in the game, he had one of the great playoff performances of his time, catching 7 passes for 138 yards, 2 TDs and 1 hangover. Max did the smart thing and waited till after the season to tell everyone the story, instead of posting it on snapchat the night before. Max Mcgee resisted the urge to post his story on social media so why couldn’t the Giants? If I were Head Coach Ben Mcadoo I would suspend Odell Beckham unless he has at least 7 catches for 138 yards and 2 TDs Sunday. And I don’t mean suspend him from football, I mean suspend him from hanging out with Bieber.
NFL WILD CARD WEEKEND PICKS
All lines used from the Las Vegas Westgate Superbook
Raiders +3.5 over Texans
Seahawks -8 over Lions
Dolphins +11 over Steelers
Giants +5.5 over Packers
Raiders +3.5 over Texans
Let’s start off with this, this game is going to suck. This game is more like a Thursday night poopfest in week 4 than a playoff game. The Texans benched Brock Oswiler, then lost Tom Savage and are now stuck with Oswiler. Sort of like breaking up with a crazy girlfriend only to find out a few weeks later that she is pregnant. Raiders lost starting QB/MVP candidate/glove wearer Derek Carr and are stuck with rookie Conner Cook for the playoffs. Good news for Raiders fans is Conner Cook has no history of playing terrible in the playoffs, bad news is I’m lying. Any college football fan knows the last time we saw Conner Cook play football he was getting demolished by Alabama 38-0 during last years college football playoffs. This game is gonna suck so give me the Raiders and the points because no way does an AFC South team deserve to win a playoff game unless TJ Yates is involved.
Seahawks -8 over Lions
Both these teams are limping to playoffs going a combined 1-3 the last 2 weeks of the season and the lone win was the Seahawks only winning by 2 over the 49ers (I’d like to speak with Roger Goodell about a new rule where if a Chip Kelley team keeps the game within 3 points it should count as a loss for the other team). Neither team is hot but the Lions are especially cold after being outscored by an average of 13 points their last 3 games. Also fun fact for anyone who hates Detroit, the Lions haven’t won a playoff game since 1991 and haven’t won a road playoff game since 1957!! As bad as Seattle looked toward the end of the year they did finish the season 7-1 at home. Give me Seattle big in this one, or at least by 13.
Dolphins +11 over Steelers
I’m no expert, I just like to think I am, but this line is 5 points too high. Big Ben, Le’veon Bell, Antonio Brown; 3 big name talents playing for a historic franchise that has 6 super bowls, and the public loves betting them at home. The Dolphins are starting Matt Moore at QB, a guy who 5 years from now will own a dive bar in south Florida and tell random customers about the time he started QB in a playoff game in Pittsburgh and no one will believe him. However the Dolphins are a better team than people think, and they beat the Steelers and a banged up Ben Roethlisberger earlier this season. The Dolphins might not be able to win this game but they will be able to hang with the Steelers and keep it close.
Giants +5.5 over Packers
I know I just spent 1 thousand words above bashing the Giants for their terrible decisions but this pick has nothing to do with the Giants WR’s (well kind of). I like the Giants in this game because of their defense. The Giants D has quietly come alive the last month of the season and I can’t help but think of the super bowl seasons the Giants had in 2007 and 2011. Get into the playoffs as a 4 or 5 seed, no big national media hyping them up, a defense that pressures the QB and an offense that does just enough. I’m not ready to crown the Giants super bowl champs but I could see them making a run that no one in the media saw coming. Everyone has spent all week talking about how hot Green Bay is and why Aaron Rodgers is the MVP. Meanwhile all we’ve heard about the Giants is their diva WRs don’t know how to party, maybe Ben Mcadoo paid OBJ to take the guys to Miami to distract from how awesome the defense is (maybe Mcadoo paid me to write this blog all about the WRs partying and leave the part about the defense at the end). I’m not a conspiracy guy, I’m just connecting dots. (Serious Note: Ben Mcadoo is too stupid to think of something like that but John Mara isn’t…) I like the Giants D to shut down Aaron Rodgers and shock the football world in an upset.
Happy Playoffs and have a good weekend.

